After college, I roomed with a close friend of mine, really great guy and considerate roommate. We got along great, but we had one problem. Well, two problems actually. Cats. 2 cats to be precise. I get along fine with animals, but these cats were really not friendly. In fact, after living with him and the cats for a year, I never once pet the cats. I would, however, walk into my own bedroom after a long day at work only to be scared half to death by the hiss of a cat lying in my own bed. How dare I interrupt.

Not to pile on the cats too much, but they were pretty terrible. They shed all over the house and tracked kitty litter everywhere. Every time you went in or out of the house you had to squeeze through the door lest they make a run for it. If they did make a run for it, you’d spend the next few hours trying to lure them back.

Well after about a year, I desperately wanted him to get rid of the cats, but didn’t want to provoke a conflict. Primarily, I was worried about how my roommate would respond. I knew he would get rid of the cats if I asked him, but he loved them so much and I knew he would feel invalidated if I asked him to get rid of them.

I find some people are much easier to express conflicts to. I have a lot of siblings, we are constantly in conflict in minor ways and constantly arguing through those conflicts. When I voice my opinion to a sibling, I can trust that the other party will voice their opinion openly and without reservation. With my roommate, I felt, rightly or wrongly, that I would express my opinion openly and without reservation, but that he would simply cave and avoid the conflict. Ironically, this kept me from addressing the conflict for months.

When I finally ask that he get rid of them, he acquiesced and was sad. I wish he had pushed back a little more because then we would have had a more productive conversation.

I generally feel very comfortable being in conflict, where I struggle the most is dealing with others who want to avoid it. I’ve worked with people who are conflict averse and think everything is going great, only to find out a year later that they had some issues that were never voiced. I’ve tried to address this issue by soliciting feedback and being more self aware, but really the best solution I’ve come up with is to acknowledge my shortcomings and work primarily with other people who are comfortable being in conflict.

I’m happy to say that I got married last spring and my wife is someone who is very comfortable expressing her opinion. As a result, we are able to disagree frequently and passionately, but harbor no ill will. That makes life a lot easier and more enjoyable.